I'm not ready yet....

It's getting closer, it feels like my world is closing in on me. When I think about it I feel like I can't breathe. I'm not ready for him to leave again. I'm not ready to sleep alone, to put the kids to bed alone, to eat dinner alone, I'm not ready to live alone. I'm just not.

The last time he left I was three months post-par tum, I had a three month old, a 13 month old, a 6 year old, and a 9 year old. We dropped him off, we said our goodbyes, we cried like we had never cried before. You don't realize how much you love someone until you send them off to a war zone. A month later I packed our stuff up and moved home with my sister, we still kept our place here, but I moved us temporarily for eight months of the deployment. It helped to go home, but nobody understood, it was surreal to them. I plan on staying this time, we'll see how I feel a month after he leaves again. I want to be tough and strong, but I'm just not that tough.

I look back on when he was deployed, and how I worried everyday. I waited for the phone to ring, I waited for my messenger to nudge, I waited for emails, and ultimately I waited for him. We waited for him. This fucking sucks, there isn't a nice way to put it. That's how I feel right now.

OK, my bitch session is over. Sorry for such a glum post. It keeps me from taking it out on him, and that's the last thing I want to do. I know it isn't his fault. I know he doesn't want to leave us. But, I still get angry. We should all be angry.

Taco Salads..yummy

We made taco salads for lunch this weekend, minus the tomatoes...yuck! I made the shells! And homemade salsa! Now, I have to get the chips down ;) Anyone know how to make the chips? I hate store bought ones.

Fool me once....

George

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Completely sober. Geez.

Time needs to move faster.....

Playing In The Sprinkler

He is sooo NOT coming in the house until he dries!

Too Soon.

Vacation is over and we are going home. I am going to miss Arizona...even if it feels like I am melting every time I go outside, I will miss it. I will miss my sister even more though. Boo on goodbyes, I hate them.

On another note I am so proud of the boys, they were so good and patient while on vacation, they adjusted to all of the changes like troopers. Ashley and Mariah are excited about school, it's a new year. We are all excited.

We partied it up on vacation and spent way more than we should have, but we went out with a bang. David is deploying much sooner than expected, so it was worth it. Who knows when we can go on a vacation again as a family?

Camping is cool.....NOT. (Like Borat)

I really like this picture, I think I am going to have it framed and put it in Devon's room. Because he is that jerk. Really. My son needs to learn to play nice. Fucking boys. Ughhhh.

Camping is so not cool when your uninvited Aunt comes to visit. I hate that bitch. I hate her. I don't even need her anymore, I am having no more babies. Ughhh. I demanded our campgound have bathrooms and showers and it will fly...so we shall see how it goes.

On another note Kimbo advised me that if I had my uterus removed that would be some weight loss. Isn't it sad that I would rather have body parts removed than put the Krispy Kreme down? Bleh.

I need my kids to go back to school. Now. And, I was going to be a teacher? NOT.

Poop...I mean I feel like poop.

I can't sleep. It has been weeks people. I have not had a good nights worth of shut eye, so if I am commenting your blog at 3am, please shoot me an email and tell me to go the fuck to sleep. Puhlease? Thanks =)

I think I should start taking some Tylenol PM or something. I just can't hang anymore.

So, the man comes home on Friday, I can't wait. He called me a bit ago and they have totally and completely have run out of things to do, he is just now waiting to get on his flight Thursday night. At the rate things are going over there, realistically he probably wont be here until Saturday. Boo.

I have decided I can't live without a Dyson, I HAVE to have one, I NEED it. I'm gonna try to talk the man into one...maybe I will advance my birthday and Christmas?

P.S. I tried Chocolate M&M Cookie Sandwiches today, AWESOME.

Blog Tagged

Suavecito Blog Tagged me!


One Word Answers:


Yourself: Amazing
Your Partner: Hottie
Your Hair: BLAH
Your Mother: Looney
Your Father: Absent
Your Favorite Item: Laptop
Your Dream Last Night: Unknown
Your Favorite Drink: Coke
Your Dream Car: Lexus SUV
Your Dream Home: City
The Room You Are In: Bedroom
Your Fear: Loss
You Want To Be In 10 Years: AZ
Who You Hung Out With Last Night: Kids :)
Your Not: Sad
One Of Your Wishlist Items: Dyson
The Last Thing You Did: Talked
You Are Wearing: PJ's
Your Favorite Weather: Fall
Your Favorite Book: MANY!
Last Thing You Ate: Sandwich
Your life: Awesome
Your Mood: Ecstatic
Your Best Friend: Loverboy ;)
What Are You Thinking About Right Now: Wednesday!
Your Car: Silver
What Are You Doing At The Moment: Typing
Relationship Status: Married
What Is On Your TV: Movie
What Is The Weather Like: Cold
When Is The Last Time You Laughed: morning

Okay Now I get to Tag 2 people:
Sarcastic Momma, Jenn

Her smile was back, and it made my day

In my neighborhood families are always incomplete, and you can always tell. Either you recognize it by the gloomy kids, the somber mom, and the vehicle that hasn't moved in months. It's the norm here, dads are always gone. Yesterday I saw my neighbor happy and smiling for the first time in months. Her husband was home, he is deployed to Iraq right now, and lucky him he's on the extended plan. He gets to stay fifteen months. He is home on R&R and enjoying time with his family. She was smiling, I was so happy for her, I wanted to just hug her. But, we don't roll like that so I smiled back and told her to enjoy her husband.

I can't wait until we pull out of that shit hole country.

I let my guard down...

Again. I let nuts into the house. He ate them. He began to swell, he went into shock and I freaked the fuck out, called 911 and we spent the night in the ER. I can't believe I slipped and he had to go through that. Poor kid. I was afraid to use his epipen, I need to be more confident when it comes to those things. I hate allergies, I hate peanut allergies. He is fine now, sleeping, he seems to have already forgotten about his near death experience.

From now on I am the fucking peanut nazi...that shit isn't coming near my kid. This was the worst reaction by far. So, if I get on your nerves with my kid's peanut issues, tough shit. **Sigh** It was a rough night in the ER, I felt so sorry for my little guy. I hope we don't ever have to go through that again, that is wishful thinking on my part....he is only 2.

Everyone was so great though...the paramedics, the ER staff, the nurses, and the doc was awesome. Absolutely wonderful. I am sorry I doubted the staff at the hospital, they were great with Devon and saved his life tonight.

I am so tired of peanuts. Tree nuts. All nuts. I worry about when he goes to school, about other children giving him peanuts. The worries never stop. Maybe I will homeschool him? Ughhh....this is making me ill. I need to go to bed. I am just glad he is ok.

Seriously.....

I hate the baggers at the commissary, they are the absolute WORST. They are mean, old, grumpy, and make me want to stop going to the commissary. But, I wont. Why? Cause I'm cheap, and they have good deals. Assholes. I will write more on this later, but somehow Carson mangaed to get out of the duct tape....dammit.


*For you cilvilan folk, the commissary is a grocery store on post that saves us alot of money, only military folk can go there and shop.

Tommy, Tommy...what happened?

This first clip made me fall totally and MADLY in love with this man. I mean seriously...how could you not love those moves? Ay papi...Me enamore.




Now this one...speaks for itself. Top Gun Volleyball Scene...better than PORN.



I try to remember my favorite celebrity crush like this. I don't know who that crazy fucker that knocked up Joey from Dawson's Creek is.

Guess who died? Ahh shit.. I forgot the Pepsi was on sale at Safeway

My mother has ADD, ADHD whatever you wanna call it, undiagnosed of course. I am diagnosing her ass. That is what conversations are like with her. I call her this morning to see if she and my sister want me to book their flights as they are going to come visit us in July. I call her at work and this is how she rolls....

ADD Mom: MC Adult Probation, how may I help you?

Most Wonderful Daughter (EVER): Mom, it's me..have you talked to (sister) about the dates?

ADD Mom: No, she never calls me back....OMG! Guess who died?

MWD: Who?

ADD Mom: *Bonnie! Can you believe she died? (*Bonnie is not the real name)

MWD: OMG! She did? I am so sorry...I can't believe she died.

ADD Mom: Ahhhh shit...I forgot the Pepsi was on sale at Safeway

MWD: Mom, Mom, hey...who's Bonnie?

ADD Mom: You know, HIS mom.

MWD: Oh. (I remember)

ADD Mom: Yeah, well I gotta go...I can't believe I forgot the PEPSI.

MWD: Ok, mom talk to you later.

ADD Mom: Hey, is it cold over there right now?

MWD: Bye mom.

Having conversations with my mother are just pointless sometimes. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought she was on crack. Seriously, most people that meet her assume she is on something or bipolar.

About Bonnie, I am sorry she died, I didn't know her well. I talked to her a few years back. I saw her at a local restaurant in town, she approached me. She said she recognized me, I asked how her son was, she replied that he was "hanging in there" she then apologized to me for the way her son treated me, it was weird and awkward. I told her we were young, it was in the past. If I hadn't made mistakes I had with him, I wouldn't have what I have now. He was my unanswered prayer.

Anyhow..maybe her son will grow the fuck up now that she is gone.

Damn that rap music...

Look what it made me do....Don't blame me, it's the music!



I am twenty-eight, a mother of four, a wife, and I LOVE rap music. I love Eminem, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Little John, Fabulous, Ludicrous...yes I am a self-proclaimed thug loving music fool. Bite me, I don't care. My list of rap artists could go on and on but most of you probably have no idea who I am talking about. Should I be ashamed? On my way home the other day I was blaring "Lose Yourself" by Eminem and I turned it down because I didn't want my neighbors to hear it. WTF is wrong with me? Fuck that. I like rap, I can handle a few bad words, but I don't listen to the hard core stuff. But, why do I care?

I was at a gathering a few days ago and everyone was giddy about the Martina McBride concert, (the thought of going to that concert makes me want to puncture my eardrums with a sharp object) I wanted to shout "I want to see Eminem, fuck Martina". But, alas I didn't. So, I sat there and pretended to like Martina.

I mean I am not ashamed that I love me some Air Supply, but will not own up to my rap obsession. Eh, I don't care...anyone has a problem? They can suck it. ;) No more turning my radio down.

I finally bought a runner for the entry way, now maybe I wont break out into a nervous twitch every time the kids come in from playing outside.

I'm a Coke-Aholic

When I finally decide to turn in for the night I can never figure out why I can't sleep. Yes, I am that dense. I never realized that having a Coke before I go to bed can in fact keep me up. I toss, turn, browse the blogs, watch TV, anything that comes to mind until I get so tired that I finally doze off. I gotta stop with my Coke obsession, at least before bed. It's killing me. I wake up dragging ass and feeling like shit all day.

The weather was PERFECT today and we played outside all morning, it was great. My sod isn't looking good, I don't know what I am doing wrong? Ughhh...David will be so sad if he gets back and all the sod still looks like shit. All that hard work and money, F**K...it better not DIE!

We are gonna start doing some scrap booking and walking this week, gonna keep ourselves busy. I mean I have a ton of must do things I should be doing. BUT, playing with the kids and doing FUN stuff sounds so much better.

FYI: Before calling the repairman about a "gas smell" make sure your 20 month old toddler hasn't turned on the burner on the stove just enough not to hear the "clicky sound" but enough to leak gas to be smelled and cause you to freak out. Repair guy was nice though, didn't make me feel like an ass ;)

Also...things aren't always what they seem. I finally talked to my neighbor. She's not a crazy bitch, but her kid is.

Paint....What was I thinking?

He's an artist at heart.



He's got skills.



Canvas for Playroom....I'd never thought I'd actually put up their art. (Yes, I am that mom) ;)



Wow..He's like Picasso n' shit.



You can't hold an artist down....it's called expression.

I really like this one.

Good Times

This video always makes me smile ;)

Wow....Insight.

Your 'Do You Want the Terrorists to Win' Score: 79%

You are a terrorist-loving scoundrel who hates our dear leader and the values he defends. There are few redeeming qualities about you. You most likely celebrated when the evil-doers hit us on 9/11, then opposed the Iraq war when we tried to pay them back. You hurt us at every step and cause troops to die in the field by questioning Bush's decisions. You are most likely a lost cause, doomed to be a brainwashed victim of free thought and liberalism forever. No dose of Ann Coulter's prose can save you now.

Do You Want the Terrorists to Win?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I'm glad you took this quiz. If it came out that you are an America-hating scumbag, the authorities are probably already on to you. Hopefully you are actually a pro-war Republican patriot, and if so, please cast a vote in November in support of George W. Bush. The liberal forces are plotting against him and we'll need you to help ensure his winning policies remain unchanged for years to come!

Missing Home

I am having an emo night and want to jump in my car and drive home. This time of year is fun in Arizona. My cousin is graduating from high school, it's summertime and our family will be partying. I will miss it. Last year I was there, but David was deployed so it was bittersweet. I need to remember to call my grandmother more, If I go more than two weeks without giving her a ring, she cries her ass of when I call. So, note to self: Call your grandma jackass.

I called my FIL today to let him know I emailed him some pic of the kids, and of course he forces the subject onto "Old Dubya" he ALWAYS does this. Oh, and did I mention he is ALWAYS right? He goes on to tell me Hillary is going to get the Democratic nomination and that McCain will get the Republican nomination, because as I stated previously he knows everything. Then he says "Hillary can't even keep her marriage under control, how is she gonna run the damn country?" I was gonna flip. I didn't, I was a good DIL. I just said.."yeah uh huh" there is absolutely no sense in arguing with the elderly and senile. What I wanted to say was "Hillary fucking got over it, you need to as well", yeah I didn't think that would go over very well....so I didn't. Boo on me.




He was kinda cute today....I may keep him ;)