I'm not ready yet....
It's getting closer, it feels like my world is closing in on me. When I think about it I feel like I can't breathe. I'm not ready for him to leave again. I'm not ready to sleep alone, to put the kids to bed alone, to eat dinner alone, I'm not ready to live alone. I'm just not.
The last time he left I was three months post-par tum, I had a three month old, a 13 month old, a 6 year old, and a 9 year old. We dropped him off, we said our goodbyes, we cried like we had never cried before. You don't realize how much you love someone until you send them off to a war zone. A month later I packed our stuff up and moved home with my sister, we still kept our place here, but I moved us temporarily for eight months of the deployment. It helped to go home, but nobody understood, it was surreal to them. I plan on staying this time, we'll see how I feel a month after he leaves again. I want to be tough and strong, but I'm just not that tough.
I look back on when he was deployed, and how I worried everyday. I waited for the phone to ring, I waited for my messenger to nudge, I waited for emails, and ultimately I waited for him. We waited for him. This fucking sucks, there isn't a nice way to put it. That's how I feel right now.
OK, my bitch session is over. Sorry for such a glum post. It keeps me from taking it out on him, and that's the last thing I want to do. I know it isn't his fault. I know he doesn't want to leave us. But, I still get angry. We should all be angry.
9 comments:
I promise to be your rock as long as you are mine as well... I heart you always, and we are all going to be just fine this time around. Who needs those men folk anyway...they are the ones who need us!!!
Stella, you are strong. You kept me afloat so many times.
I know no words will help right now and I wish I could give you a hug.
I swear I coming out there and we are all going to China Scoop.
Hugs
I really have no words. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel any better. I know you'll do fine.... You have great girls around you and we're always here if you need a break. By the time he leaves we'll have a big ol' couch big enough to sleep 4!! :)
Bitch away sister...you have every right...besides, it's the ones who don't that lose their marbles. I only wish that all the blogging bitches (self included) lived closer for times such as these. I will send thought of safety to the hubs and patience and peace to you.
P.S. You did order a Med. Univ. of AZ tutu, right? Or am I losing my mind? E-mail me...decorated_duckling@yahoo.com...it's done!!!
I did!!! I sent you an email!!
I am a bit late, but I haven't been stalking you like normal these days.
I am sorry that things are so rough on you. This deployment is something we all are dreading. I think we all hoped and prayed that they wouldn't have to go back again. I hate this too!! I am not ready to raise my kids alone again. I don't want to spend my days all stressed out worrying about his safetly and sitting home waiting to hear from him to just have my heart broken when he is too busy to call. One thing that is just killing me is the fact that Ry is so young...I don't want her to forget her Daddy. I will do like I did with Aiden and show him pictures and talk about him all the time, but it breaks my heart to think that when he finally comes home she might look at her Daddy like he is a stranger :(
I know lately I am absent due to school, but I promise that I am here for you when he leaves. I am always a phone call away and I will forget all about homework if you need me!! I do hope you stay, but if you need to go home again I would understand...I would miss you, but I would understand.
I am a bit late, but I haven't been stalking you like normal these days.
I am sorry that things are so rough on you. This deployment is something we all are dreading. I think we all hoped and prayed that they wouldn't have to go back again. I hate this too!! I am not ready to raise my kids alone again. I don't want to spend my days all stressed out worrying about his safetly and sitting home waiting to hear from him to just have my heart broken when he is too busy to call. One thing that is just killing me is the fact that Ry is so young...I don't want her to forget her Daddy. I will do like I did with Aiden and show him pictures and talk about him all the time, but it breaks my heart to think that when he finally comes home she might look at her Daddy like he is a stranger :(
I know lately I am absent due to school, but I promise that I am here for you when he leaves. I am always a phone call away and I will forget all about homework if you need me!! I do hope you stay, but if you need to go home again I would understand...I would miss you, but I would understand.
Ugh why did that book print twice!
~Sorry
I know we are still there for each other when we really need it. I am just an email, phone call or China Scoop date away.
We still need our Starbucks, I am holding you to it.
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